Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

me when i see my girls butt

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Florida be like…

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.