Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

sigh

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

My new favorite headline

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.