Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You Might Also Like
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.