Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.