FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Are we there yet?…
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore