Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

The French cow says MEUX…

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he