Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Happy birthday to all the women

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15