Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Family Celebrity

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

Fluff me with a fork baby

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*