Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

This is why I hate group projects

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

the Monday after daylight savings

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Okay, I’m still confused…

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?