cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Why am I like this?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?