Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

ㅤ

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.