Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1636601125205065728/pu/vid/352x640/9QP0NOeEbMBbuYUx.mp4?tag=12

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.