Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
(Jupiter –
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
lmao