Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Every time my phone rings
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up