Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
new dr. seuss book dropping:
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
