Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“HELP WITH CAT”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”