Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans