Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
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Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
hi why am I like this
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.