Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”