Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.