Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.