Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*