Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.