Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.