Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

❤️

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

🙀🙀🙀😹

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.