Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

No. He’s not coming out to play

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

That’s fair

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.