Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

“TGIM!” – My liver

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.