Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Just say no
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
car not found
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler