Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
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I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!