Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
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Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy