Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.