Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.