Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

cry laughing at this shit

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

🤣

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My love language is deader than Latin

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.