Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Cannot stop laughing at this
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app