Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
How to make infinite energy.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean