Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Mouse

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

Money is the root of all wealth

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

LMAO

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

this is how life feels

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule