Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

this isn’t threatening at all

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Born to be mild.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

No flush

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂