Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.