Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?