Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
You Might Also Like
me after drinking all the wine:
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.