Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
problems i need
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Breaking news:
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?