Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

When you’re here for the treats.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.