Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Just parrot things
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*