Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Don’t tell me what to do
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store