Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”