Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Holy moly
