Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”