Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
plant them where lol
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.