“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*