funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Human are so complicated
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?