funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
all that yoga finally paid off
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”