funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I only treason on days ending in y
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili