funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven