funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Meat Cute
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.