[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
huge if true: the moon
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.