[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Basically.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂