Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere