Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?