[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”