Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂