Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

✌️

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*