Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Natty or not?

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?