Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.