[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
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Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.