Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.