Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”