Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?