Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

another case of gang violins

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.