[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?