Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo