@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

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@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@TheGayFlash

The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

@edgeoftheword

And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@chuuew

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

@stephenjmolloy

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

@NewDadNotes

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.