@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

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@Lisabug74

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

@Sassafrantz

boss: I’ve been reviewing the security footage from last night and…

me: OH SHIT!

boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!

@Peauxtassium

Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@KattsDogma

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

@Ryanfc706

I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.