Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day