@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

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@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@imskytrash

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

@Skoog

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@NatBaimel

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

@fishbowel

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo