Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Was it something I said?

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.