[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
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“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Baller is short for ballerina
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??