Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

problems i need

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED