Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?